Reasons To Become An Intentional Gringo

Ladies and Gentleman, I will not sit on my bully pulpit and lecture you on how to live your life. Frankly your life, or your loss of it at the hands of a hemophiliac tranny wielding a paring knife and a bad methamphetamine habit, means surprisingly little to me unless you are one of my Favorite People (who all thankfully know who they are). But please allow me a moment to give you a few reasons to ditch your seemingly comfortable life (replete with $60 gas-tank fillups and weekends spent watching Inner Space on HBO2 West until you fall asleep in your tattered, soiled undergarments) in lieu of the resplendent joy of life as an Intentional Gringo.

YOUR CAREER SUCKS: It does, even if you don't care to admit it. I don't know you, I've never shaken your hand, and I've never peed on your toilet seat and walked out of the bathroom without wiping it off. But I'm SURE your career sucks, much in the same way I'm sure that I'll never tire of women (age irrelevant) in short plaid skirts. Unless you are a cardiovascular surgeon, backup NFL quarterback, or spend your nights massaging the feet of an 85 year old emphysemic widower, your career in the United States is the rought equivalent of a 9 hour Dick Cheney Christmas Sing-Along with musical accompaniment by Jacob Moogberg and the rejects of Menudo .

It's OK. It isn't your fault!

Well really it is. Not COMPLETELY your fault, but enough your fault to make you culpable in a court of law. More likely than not your parents stressed to you the importance of a steady career and an even steadier paycheck. This paycheck, which we shall refer to here as Safety Net, was to be the one and only focus of your formative years. Your pursuit of Safety Net was encouraged initially in primary school, made a grim reality during your first job shoveling whale shit at the circus in high school, and ultimately became your late night bong hit buzzkill in college.

Intentional Gringo has been there, believe me. He even had what could be considered A Good Job while he lived in the United States. A Good Job is characterized by an 8+ hour day spent no less than 80% at a computer or telephone, a dizzyingly diverse wardrobe of neutral blue Dockers button-downs, black slacks and patent leather shoes chosen intentionally to give off the air of wealth while costing less than $40 brand new. Most importantly though, Safety Net requires a W2 that allows the individual enough disposable income to afford bottle service once a quarter, an apartment furnished with an expensive stereo and cheap sheets, and the appearance of enough financial stability to not require a monthly loan from Mom and Dad. Once you acquire Safety Net Status, you're set, right?

No. You're living a pitiable existence in a dead end job you'd sob with joy to be fired from, wasting what's left of your dwindling youth working for older versions of yourself who will never respect you despite your College Degree (subtract even more for degree) because they know first-hand how spineless you are, and you require 2 cups of coffee in the morning to manufacture enough energy to survive 1/6th of your work day when you AREN'T hungover. This leads me to my next reason...

You Once Had Dreams: Sounds pretty trite - Intentional Gringo apologizes if he sounds like a college graduation commencement sometimes - but I'm nearly 100% sure that I'm right. Your dreams really don't look much like your current state of affairs, do they? Perhaps you wanted to go to Tuscany and study frescoes. Maybe you always wanted to spend time assisting research scientists in the Galapagos Islands. Who knows. Even if you're greatest aspiration was being a cabana boy in the French Riviera, your aspirations are just that. ASPIRATIONS. Why the hell haven't you chased them down and stuck them in your pocket yet? You're seemingly able bodies and relatively intelligent. You haven't accomplished these things because they ARE NOT EASY TO ACCOMPLISH and NOBODY LIKES TO WORK HARD FOR UNCERTAIN REWARDS. Safety Net is easy to work towards because the rewards are apparent - a humble, anesthetized existance, 2 affairs, 3 kids, an ARM mortgage and a quiet stroke on the toilet at 57. Your dreams, on the other hand , are quite hard to explain to your friends and family and even harder to put into motion because there is no convenient framework in place to get you going. Well the Intentional Gringo is here to tell you (and by Here he means in his adopted home, making a FRACTION of his prior income that nonetheless affords him a nice apartment on the nice side of town and the ability to dally in hedonistic pleasures at his heart's content) that YOU are on your way to becoming one of those people that you never wanted to become. The old guy at your high school football game who still wears his tattered jersey, dreaming of TD's past. The old woman, 2 husbands buried and 3 kids far away, who macrames hoodies for her cats and Tivos Ellen and Tyra while she's away at her data entry job. I say this not to scare you per se, though I hope it scares you a bit, but more to provoke one of those solemn "what the hell and I going to do with my life" moments. You need it.

Intentional Gringos Can Go Anywhere: Your own Intentional Gringo frequents a fairly Gringo'd-out bar in his town where he can watch his beloved football team on Sundays. There are men there who one could quite easily consider Bums. Not like Jeffrey Lebowski lovable bums. More like screwdrivers at 9 am, flabby-underarm-on-skeletal-frame bums. Since Intentional Gringo is a people person he has befriended more than a few of these men and they all share one common trait - they are able to finance their life in I.G.'s country on seemingly non-existant incomes. Seriously. Like Army pensions. Slip-N-Fall settlement moneyz, gambling systems. Whatever. And these guys are drunken slobs. YOU, of college education or at least substantial professional experience, can live anywhere in the world that you want to live based solely on the fact that you are a Gringo. Gringos have automatic cache and diginfication in most places outside of the US and Europe. Know how to work a computer? You can live here and make great money working for HP, Intel, or any of the other countless computer companies who come here to save cash while tapping into an educated workforce. Speak English fluently? You can walk into an interview hungover and get a job that pays you more money than 65% of the people native to this country. And that advanced degree? You can teach in a University and get your apartment paid for on TOP of your salary! Are you sitting at your desk in the United States wondering how you could actually legally use the system to your advantage?? Well you'd better consider coming here because it sure as shit ain't happening where you are now.

Climate: Everyone who knows I.G. knows that he is not much for cold weather or any of the diversions that can be enjoyed in the snow. My balance is not very good and I hate frozen snot on my face. Well the temperature in my adopted home varies between 70-80 degrees F all 12 months of the year. I am 3 hours from both the Pacific Ocean and Caribbean coast. Now I LOVE me some Spring and Autumn, but am I crying because I won't see leaves fall this year? Fuck no! If I get THAT sad I can always get one of you suckers to email me a video. I.G. is normally pasty in the way that only one of Irish descent can be pasty, but I have been a nice caramel brown since I arrived and I haven't spent much time at the beach at all. Don't let this sound like a travel brochure for my adopted home - unless you live in San Diego, or are a hardcore snowboarder or speedskater like Bonnie Blair, you can go to any number of places and get weather like your wildest dreams. Barbados isn't the only place where it is sunny every day.

People Are Nicer Here: "Here" can be just about anywhere. Unless you live in Mayberry, USA circa 1955. Intentional Gringo is from the home of Total Dickheads, people who would sooner spit on your expiring body than help you out of the ditch that you fell into. The reason people are nicer "here", wherever "here" may be, is because most people outside the US and Europe aren't self absorbed pricks. Sure buses are crowded, drivers don't yield, and men hoot and holler at women in ways that even make ME blush. But children are fawned over, strangers will answer your questions even though you don't speak their language, and a simple smile will get you just about anything you want. This place isn't perfect by any means but it is surely more civilized than the neon jungle I left behind.

You Will Attract People Here: The United States, for all of its faults, is most definitely the Great Melting Pot. This means that you can easily find people of any shape, size, or color that tickles your fancy with unprecedented ease. Yet the United States is also the home of Beautiful People. Our media is consumed by everyone around the world mainly because we produce some hot pieces of ass on both sides of the fence. Attractive is as attractive does. As long as you don't strive to live in a place where giant plates in your lip signify beauty, YOU ARE GOLDEN. Even if you're exceptionally homely at home, your new home will provide you with infinite possibilities to attract those of the opposite sex. If nothing else, your status as Intentional Gringo will attract those who believe that you may have money. People go to Vegas and play this game all the time. Why not LIVE it for a spell? More likely than not your meager earnings will be at least upper-middle class in your adopted home. Ever wanted to go to the hottest club in the city and have velvet ropes part at your feet? Well buy some nice clothes (undoubtedly cheaper than home) and just show up with a confident smirk and a high-value piece of undoubtedly multi-colored currency in your palm. And those who are already attractive by their home country's standards? Bon appetit.

Your Country Is A Mess: Americans only. To borrow a phrase from my beloved GW, without whom I never would have left the US, I am not a "cut and runner". I love my country very much and would die for it if a reasonable cause came knocking at our door. That being said, gasoline costs around $3.80 a gallon with little relief in sight for at least 2-3 years AT BEST. We are mired in a now 6 year old war that has nearly bankrupt my unborn children. The US housing market meltdown has made for tighter lending restrictions for all, and especially tighter lending restrictions for first time buyers of anything from a used Kia Sportage to a new condo in Boca Raton. American Idol is watched by more people than Meet The Press, The Daily Show and everything on PBS combined. College graduates are entering a workforce 100K in debt while competing with better qualified applicants from India and China willing to work 20 more hours a week for 1/5th the salary. Why the hell NOT become an Intentional Gringo? You can go live where you want to live, do the work that you want to do, and come back to the United States when the climate looks a little more favorable. Moreover, your next employer in the US will look at your "overseas experience" as a sign of your ability to adapt to changing markets and an overall indicator of your willingness to go outside of your comfort zone and do something original. Chances are you'll get a glowing review from your employer in Adopted Homeland while returning the envy of your jealous friends and family. It's a homerun. Do it now before Obama fixes it all and you have no excuse.

More Reasons I Will Not Explain In Detail But Are Nonetheless Relevant:

1. Favorable Exchange Rate - again, jump on it now before the dollar is worth less than the ruble. And if you're a European, you can make it rain whenev for practically nada.
2. You Won't Miss Much - the internet and satellite TV make sure you stay up on House.
3. Your Passport Cost You $50 - and didn't you once have a dream to fill all those pages?
4. You'll Lose Weight - Fruits and vegetables are certainly more prevalent in your new land. Fresh ones that taste good and cost nothing. And you STILL can get Big Macs whenever you want.
5. You'll Learn Another Language - just like Bart Simpson did when he was shipped to France. It just sinks in. Even if it doesn't, classes are cheap.
6. You'll Learn Cool Shit - for cheap. Like any kind of self defense or dancing that you want that isnative to your home. Intentional Gringo is now learning the Jedi Mind Trick.
7. You Will Have Stories - not stories about passing out on the train on the way home from the bar. Like stories about being thrown in a foreign jail and having to call the embassy to bail you out. Travel Channel style stories, stuff your grandpa told you about WW2 that you loved to hear.
8. You Might Get Mugged - for some this is a real threat at home. But I have worked in NYC and even then I was never accosted by thugs. Somebody ganks your wallet at knife-point and they make off with the equivalent of $12? Not so bad if it gives you some memories.
9. You Might Fall In Love - self explanatory. Nothing better than looking deep into the lovely eyes of a man/woman who doesn't understand a fucking thing that you're saying.
10. You Might Regret It: Even if you do, at least you had the balls to do something that 99% of people you know would never even consider attempting. And that, in and of itself, feels pretty good.